That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Couch. On fire.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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