Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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