ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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