my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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