You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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