Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
