You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
