Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
