I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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