Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
