God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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