Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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