hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i came on her dog
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
