my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
