This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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