Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
