my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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