We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
