My liver just broke up with me...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
