Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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