Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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