she woke up with a sticky ear
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
