i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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