sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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