Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
