covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
