I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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