i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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