watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
