The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
