Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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