I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
