I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
