I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
