we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
