I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
