On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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