I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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