you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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