Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
