oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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