he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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