i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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