i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
