I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
