He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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