hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
