we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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