Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
