Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
