New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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