for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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