You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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