She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
